8 Obstacles to Getting the Recognition and Rewards You Deserve
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For one reason or another, you haven't been feeling good about your work situation. Maybe something happened, or maybe nothing is happening – it's an underlying sense that things could be better.
You're not alone – a lot of women struggle in the workplace; they deal with difficult bosses or co-workers, unclear expectations, and a workplace that doesn’t feel supportive. They don't feel they are being paid what they're worth. Sometimes working with other women even feels like 8th grade all over again.
You want to be seen as the competent and valuable professional you know yourself to be.
Why we should care:
- 80% of American women will at one time or another be wholly responsible for their own financial welfare. (Source: Mikelann Valterra)
- Settling for an earnings gap of $15,000 at age 40 can result in a $1.5 million difference at retirement. (Source: Linda Babcock)
- On average, the families of working women lose out on $9,575 per year because of the earnings gap. (Source: Department for Professional Women of the AFL-CIO)
Our troubles in the workplace actually point to deeper issues about money, relationships and unexpressed values.
So what's keeping women down in the workplace? We can't blame this all on the men!
The truth is we are not speaking up for ourselves.
There are 8 specific thought patterns that lead to the actions (or inactions) that keep women quiet and hold them back, also known as the "Good Girl Syndrome."
"If I just keep my head down and do a good job, I will be recognized for my efforts."
When you believe this, you do everything someone asks you to, whether you're given adequate resources or not; you become a miracle worker.
"I have to keep the peace at any cost."
When you believe this, you silence yourself in order to avoid rocking the boat or hurting someone’s feelings.
"If someone doesn't give me the raise I ask for, I feel rejected.”
When you believe this, you either withdraw and don’t ask again, or you get mad and complain to others. In either case, you lose.
"I have little control over what happens to me; I have to live with what I get.”
If you believe this, you let others determine how your life will unfold, instead of identifying what you want and going after it.
"Women are not supposed to advocate for themselves."
When you believe this, you don’t look for or recognize opportunities to negotiate.
"Negotiation is a one-time deal – I only have one chance to get what I want."
If you believe this, you avoid negotiating or you walk away thinking that you put everything on the line and lost, and miss the opportunity to have an ongoing conversation about possibilities.
"I will either get everything that I want or nothing that I want."
When you believe this, you put all your eggs in one basket and then walk away disappointed, instead of negotiating for a satisfactory outcome.
"It is too risky to ask for what I want."
When you believe this, you set lower goals for yourself, believing that's all you can expect.
Do you recognize any of these thoughts?
Have you had them too? Take heart! There are three crucial steps that you can take, starting today, that will give you the power, confidence and skills to turn things around for you in the workplace.
Step One:
Replace the Internal Thoughts that Keep You from Speaking Up
You may not realize how your thoughts inhibit you from asking for what you really want, and how today's business culture reinforces those beliefs and acts on the assumption that you won't ask.
- Read through the above list of obstacles again and write down the thoughts that you have most often.
- Then, write a healthier, more empowering thought next to it.
For example, next to: "It is too risky to ask for what I want," you might write, "There is no real security in settling for less than I want and deserve."
If you want to learn more about how to identify and overcome these self-defeating thoughts, sign up for the one-day workshop, Negotiation for Women.
Here's what a previous workshop participant had to say:
"I definitely feel more comfortable as a negotiator and an advocate, like I have finally been given permission to ask for what I need and want without the guilt. My passion is to continue learning all I can about how to communicate effectively, and resolve conflict in all circumstances." – Nadia Derhalli
Step Two:
Develop Negotiation Skills for Self-Advocacy
Negotiation skills are not just for conflicts or buying a home. You go through countless negotiations every day with the people you work with.
Most women have grown up thinking they are not entitled to ask for what they want. You assume you do not deserve anything unless you have worked hard to earn it.
It is time for you to ask for what you need and want.
You must acquire these crucial tools that you weren’t taught in your younger years:
Recognize opportunities for negotiation
Everything is negotiable; learn to spot opportunities to advocate for yourself.
Identify your needs and goals
Dream big! Identify what you would want to do if you won the lottery – you can always modify these dreams to reflect what is attainable.
Claim your worth
Acknowledge your own talents. Know what both men and women are paid for the work you’re doing – both in and out of your organization.
Overcome your fears
Develop a skilled, structured approached to negotiation so that you can be confident, clear, creative and flexible.
All of these skills and more are covered in the one-day workshop, Negotiation for Women.
Step Three:
Manage Your Conflicts with Confidence and Assurance
You may stay silent in order to avoid conflict, and yet the underlying tension of differing opinions is harming your communications at work.
It is possible to manage conflict with people who see things differently from you. And that will raise your esteem in the eyes of your colleagues and help you to feel more confident and less stressed.
The first key is to understand your own role in the disagreement.
You need to:
Understand your own behaviors when in conflict
Do you wimp out, hoping it will all just go away? What makes you lose your cool?
Explore your assumptions and interpretations
How do they sometimes lead discussions in the wrong direction?
Identify your hot buttons
What do others do or say that really sets you off?
The Conflict Dynamics ProfileŽ is a tool that will help you to understand why you sometimes react the way you do, and to develop responses that will be more constructive.
You may also be interested in the Women Working with Women Workshop.
I hope you now see that you CAN get the recognition and rewards that you deserve. It's as simple as:
Believe ● Negotiate ● Collaborate
About the Author
A workplace pioneer, Barbara Blackstone was one of the first women in several of the positions she has held, and she has made many of the mistakes that hold women back from negotiating for themselves. With her love of learning and 20 years of work in mediation and conflict resolution, she has created energetic workshops where women can learn to take control of their lives and become better self-advocates. She also provides one-on-one coaching to help women ask for that raise, negotiate a new position, or even get more cooperation from family members.
Blackstone is an adjunct instructor of negotiation and conflict management at Marylhurst University and mediates for Multnomah County Small Claims Court and Portland Citizen-Police cases. She is the former Director of the Office of Dispute Resolution for the State of Minnesota, a former board member of the Oregon Mediation Association, and holds a master’s degree in Urban Studies from Roosevelt University in Chicago.